Family meals aren’t just about what’s on the plate. They’re an opportunity to practice respect, responsibility, and the kinds of life skills our kids will carry into the world ... into friendships, workplaces, relationships. These habits might not show up in a nutrition textbook, but they matter just the same.
I can’t overstate how much this matters to me. Loud chewing is my #1 pet peeve. I’ve gently corrected it since my kids were toddlers. Not because I’m obsessed with manners for manners' sake, but because I truly cannot focus when I hear it. I also think it’s a small kindness to teach our kids how to eat in a way that doesn’t distract or disturb those around them.
Related: scraping teeth on utensils. Just… no. Please use your lips. Blow on your food. Learn the temperature with your mouth. My kids know this is a hill I’m willing to die on.
This one is courtesy of my husband, and I fully support it. We’re raising kids who will one day eat dinner with colleagues, friends’ parents, maybe even future in-laws. Spearing an entire chicken thigh and gnawing at it isn’t a good look. So yes, we teach our kids how to cut food into bite-sized pieces, and we provide the tools to do it.
Not a 14-piece formal setting, but the basics: fork on the left, knife and spoon on the right. Napkin, plate, water glass. It's not about being fancy it’s about contributing to the meal. My personal trick? I used to say “the knife protects the spoon,” but apparently I had it backwards. Doesn’t really matter. The habit stuck.
Yes, it’s old-school. No, I don’t care. This is one of those small signs of respect that just feels right in our house. It's another small sign of respect - We’re here to talk, connect, and share a meal. I want to see your beautiful eyes while we do.
And yes, this most often applies to just my husband and son, but occasionally the girls and I wear hats too and the rule is the same (no matter how bad our hair looks!).
If someone cooked for you, you help clean up. Full stop. This has been the rule since my kids were little, even if it meant a few broken dishes along the way. Now that they’re older, they’re expected to load the dishwasher, put away leftovers, and wipe the table too. We all pitch in, because that’s how we show respect for each other’s time and effort.
These aren’t punishments. In my mind, they’re really important life skills and lessons in respect and shared responsibility. And honestly? I hope my kids’ future roommates think I’m a parenting wizard when they see them clear the table without being asked.
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Transcript
I am going to go out on a limb this week and talk about something that may or may not generate some thoughts and feelings from you listeners and watchers out there. ⁓ If you've been reading anything I put out for a little while, you'll know that I don't have a lot of rules around eating and meal time.
Specifically, I've never required that our kids have a "no thank you" bite, or that they have to try something of the food that's put on the table, and I don't require that they clean their plates {before dessert}.
I don't have rules like that when it comes to mealtime. But I was thinking about it this weekend and I do have a lot of expectations around meal time and things that I want my kids to learn.
And I thought I would talk about five of those sort of key, what I'm going to call expectations for my kids around family meals.
We do eat most of our dinners, especially, as a family. And actually, almost exclusively, it's family dinners that we eat together. Breakfast is kind of a free, is a free for all. It's not kind of a free for all. It is. It is every man for himself or herself. And lunch, you know, at school and work, obviously we're doing our own thing. And even on the weekends, it's rare that I put together an actual lunch, especially now that my kids are older.
So dinner is the time when we sit down together. And there are some expectations that I and my husband have for our kids.
Number one, absolutely without a doubt, hands down, top of the list, I expect my kids to chew with their mouths closed. And I realized that this is way more about me than it is about them. Chewing with your mouth open is my number one pet peeve. If you ask my kids, "what is it that bugs your mom?" They will tell you "chewing with your mouth open!"
Ever since I, when I remember being 10, a teenager and getting mad at my brothers (sorry brothers!) for chewing with their mouths open. It drives me crazy. It is a sound that I like, once I hear it, I can't un-hear it. And then it is the only thing that I can focus on. And again, I recognize that this is more about me than it is about anybody else, but I want my kids to - I think they can - chew with their mouths closed. And if there are other people out in the world like me for whom that sound is so incredibly distracting, I just think, you know, I can teach my kids to do that. I know that there are some cultures where, for example, slurping,
food or soup, is a sign of respect. And I can respect that. In my house, that's not the case. And so I have from day one with my kids, ⁓ found ways to gently encourage them to eat with their mouths closed. Take it or leave it. That is number one paramount important for me.
And related to this, although separate, but I'm not putting it as number two. This is still related to number one. It is using your teeth to take food off of silverware What is that about? You know if it's too hot blow on it like a normal person and your lips give you great information about the temperature of your food and if it's a Salad, you don't need to use your teeth. You can use your lips. So anyway using teeth To scrape food off of silverware also drives me crazy and when I hear my kids do it
I absolutely do correct it gently, patiently as much as possible, but I do correct it. So number one, chewing with their mouths open.
Number two, and this one really stems more from my husband, although I happen to agree with it, but it drives him crazy, especially when he sees our kids doing it, which is the thing that I do is teach my kids to cut their food and eat small pieces of it rather than simply spearing it. And then like, biting off of it ...
The number of times, especially our son, God love him, he's 13, he will just spear an entire huge something and just want to eat pieces of it off the fork rather than using his knife to cut it into reasonably bite-sized pieces. So we do encourage our kids, we provide all of the utensils needed and we help encourage them to learn how to use their utensils properly. I feel like someday this is going to serve them really well. They're going to go to dinner with
you know, their boss or their partner's parents or something where it might matter that they look like they can cut their their food, you know, like they've been raised to know how to use utensils. So we gently and patiently encourage them to cut their food before they eat it.
Number three: And again, as I just suggested, we provide all of the necessary utensils for them to do so - I want them to know how to properly set the table. And I don't mean like a full, you know, 25 piece place setting for, for every individual, but to know where the fork and knife and spoon and water cup and plate go when they set the table.
Again, I think it is a simple, ⁓ it is a simple thing that I can teach them that someday might serve them well.
I discovered something in preparing for this. I always thought it was fork on the left side and then the spoon and the knife. And I always told myself the knife protects the spoon. So the spoon is closest to the plate. The knife protects the spoon facing in protecting the spoon and the fork stayed in bed. Well, I was wrong. So
Lesson learned, fork on a napkin on the left side of the plate, and then the knife, and then the spoon. The idea being you place utensils, of course, in the order in which you will need them. And when people used to do this, we never do in our house, there was a soup course before the main meal, so you needed your soup spoon first. So maybe it's fine that I have taught my kids the wrong way to set a place, but I want them to know how to do
All right. ⁓ Number four: This also is a rule that stems from my husband and I agree. And it is probably something that is old and outdated and someone is going to call me out on it. But still it is a rule we have a behavior we encourage in our house. And that is simply no hats at the dinner table. I want to see everybody's beautiful faces. And usually, yes, this tends to apply to my husband and son who are the ones that generally are wearing hats. Try as I might to bring back, you know, hats for women. I've been told that that time has passed. And so it's usually my husband and son who have to take their hats off. But anybody who is wearing a hat, hats off at the dinner table. And again, I feel like this is just, ⁓ it's just good practice. And it's a sign of respect for the people around you. We are going to engage in conversation now and you can see me.
I'm sure all of these are things that are going to send my kids to therapy later in life. I'm just accepting that and moving on.
Okay. Number five,
Number five, this is another big one for me. I really feel very strongly about this. I have big opinions about this and you might think I'm judging you if you decide that you don't do this in your house and I may or may not be, but number five, I expect my kids to help clear the table when meal time is over. We tend to also have the expectation in our house that whoever cooked does not need to be a part of helping to clean up all of the dishes. But generally we're all pitching in.
And from the time that my kids were little, I have expected that they help us clear the table. My husband and I both work, we share in cooking responsibility. Generally, most often it's me that's cooking, but my husband does a fair amount of cooking as well.
And our kids, yes, they have school, they have work that they are doing that is their work. But I have spent time, my husband has spent time preparing a meal for you. And you can respect that effort, even if you hated the meal, by helping us clear the dishes. As they've gotten older, they also are expected to put them into the dishwasher. They're expected to help put away any leftovers that we are keeping to do a full sweep of the kitchen and the dining table.
to clean up from a meal. I fully expect them to participate in that. And I know someone is going to ask me, "seriously, when they were little, even when they were little, you had them do this, didn't they break dishes?" 110 % dishes have been broken, but not just by my kids, also by me. I mean, I have broken dishes, taking them out of the dishwasher and hitting them on the side of the countertop. You know, for me,
It has been more important that I teach my kids that they are going to be a part of this process of meal time. than I have been so precious about the dishes that I have. You know, we just have plain white porcelain dishes that can easily be replaced. I don't care as much about that as I do about getting my kids to participate. And again, I feel like this is a small thing I can teach my kids. They are going to go to a friend's house someday. And when dinner is over, I hope they will clear their plate.
And those parents, my kids, friends, parents are going to think that I have worked parenting magic on them. What did you do? He cleared his plate after dinner. my God. So I hope that that happens. I also hope that as they go out into the world as adults and have roommates or go off to college or have a partner, you know, and roommates beyond that they…
recognize and respect the effort that someone has put into serving them food and that they participate in helping to clean up. And again, a lot of this comes from me. For me, I don't feel relaxed until the kitchen is clean. In our old house and our current house, the kitchen, the dining room and the living room are all one giant space. We spend so much time in it. And when that is a mess, I don't feel relaxed. So some of that again is on me, but I really do appreciate that everyone is pitching in.
and I think it is a sign of respect and judge me all you want for requiring my kids to participate, but it is very important for me.
All right, that's what I've got for you this week. I would love to know what you require or hope for your kids. What are you teaching them? What kinds of expectations do you have around mealtime? I would love to hear them. All right, see you next time.
