If you’ve ever begged your kid to “use your words” during a meltdown, you know it’s usually a last-ditch effort to survive the moment. But science says those three words may be doing more than keeping the peace — they may actually be shaping how our kids eat, think, and see themselves.

If you’ve ever been in the middle of a sibling standoff, a tantrum in the grocery aisle, or a meltdown at bedtime, you’ve probably found yourself saying: “Use your words.”

For me, it’s usually a last-ditch effort to keep the peace — or at least get an explanation. ✨Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.✨

But it turns out that phrase is a lot more powerful than we think.

Psychologist J. David Creswell, writing recently in Scientific American, shared decades of research showing that naming what we feel — something scientists call affect labeling — actually changes how the brain processes emotion.

When kids (or adults) say “I’m mad,” or “I’m nervous,” parts of the brain light up that help us regulate feelings instead of being hijacked by them. And over time, putting words around experiences can reshape our memory of those experiences, making them less distressing and more meaningful.

That’s a skill worth practicing.

From Tantrums to Tacos: Why Mealtime Is Prime Training Ground

You know me — I think the dinner table is prime real estate for teaching life skills. And yes, I count knowing how to set the table as one of those skills.

So when a child says “I don’t like that” and pushes away the plate you just set down, you have two choices:

1. Accept “I don’t like it” as the end of the conversation.
2. Or ... help them go a little deeper.

How? by asking questions:

• “Is it too chewy?”
• “Too sour?”
• “Does it remind you of something else you’ve tried before?”

For me, certain foods are off the table forever because of one bad memory. I once threw up after eating SpaghettiOs and couldn’t touch a Chef Boyardee product again. Ever. That experience shaped how I approached any new food that smelled like SpaghettiOs, and it shows how context matters.

Kids are still developing both their vocabulary and their ability to connect new experiences to old ones. So when we give them words to describe flavors, textures, and smells, we’re not just helping them explain food, we’re helping them practice processing experiences.

This doesn’t happen overnight. Just the other day, my youngest - who is 12! - tried a new bread recipe I’d made. She told me, “I like this one better than the other one you usually make. That one is so bitter.”

That’s progress. Moving from “I don’t like it” to “it’s bitter” is a big leap in language and self-awareness.

The Science of Naming and Re-Saving Memories

Creswell’s work also connects to another concept: memory reconsolidation.

When we talk about a tough experience, whether it's a lost soccer game, a rough day at school, or yes, trying Brussels sprouts for the first time, we’re not just recalling it like a saved (static) file. Every time we bring it up and add words to it, we’re also editing it. We’re adding context, remembering new parts, and then re-saving that memory with new meaning attached.

Over time, this process makes those memories less distressing and easier to live with.

It’s one reason expressive writing and talk therapy work so well. And while the dinner table isn’t therapy, it is one of the most consistent spaces kids have to practice this skill.

Family Meals: Why They Really Matter

You’ve probably heard me say family meals are important. But in case I haven’t been clear enough let’s talk specifically about why.

Decades of research show that kids who eat regular meals with their families have:

• Higher self-esteem
• Better academic performance
• Lower rates of depression and substance use
• Healthier eating habits

And the benefits don’t stop with kids. Adults report lower stress, stronger family connection, and better diet quality when family meals are part of the routine.

Nutrition matters, but the conversation around the table is doing some heavy lifting here. Meals are one of the few predictable times in the day when everyone can check in, share a story, and use their words.

And those stories don’t have to be profound. Sometimes they’re just about algebra homework or the mysterious smell in the fridge. ✨ Both count.✨

Storytelling, Identity, and a Sneak Peek at Next Week

This brings me to a little plug for next week's Weekly Parent Podcast guest: Dr. Robyn Fivush.

Robyn’s research focuses on family storytelling: the way we share and pass down stories, and how those stories help kids build a sense of identity and belonging.

Her work shows that when kids know their family’s stories (the good and the bad) they tend to be more resilient and confident.

And that’s exactly what we’re practicing when we encourage kids to describe food, name feelings, and share their daily highs and lows at the table.

We’re not just filling the silence between bites. We’re helping them write the story of who they are.

How to Start Tonight

If you're feeling unsure, here are a few simple ways to begin:

• Taste talk: Ask kids to name flavors and textures. Or model it yourself: “This is buttery and smooth,” “That’s salty with a hint of lemon.”
• Emotion check-ins: “What was the hardest part of your day?” “Who made you laugh today?”
• Story prompts: “Tell us about a time you felt proud.” Or recall a family event and let everyone add their details.
• Model it yourself: Share your own stories and feelings. “I felt stressed before that meeting, but I was relieved when it went well.”

This isn’t about lecturing. It’s about inviting kids to notice, name, and share.

The Big Picture

Here’s what I hope you take away: What happens at the table isn’t just about the food.

Every descriptive question, every named feeling, every family story — they all shape the way our kids think, remember, and connect.

And yes, sometimes that means you’ll get feedback on your cooking that goes beyond, “I don’t like this.” But it also means you’re giving your kids tools that will outlast the meal. Tools that science shows build resilience, identity, and well-being.

So use your words! At the table, and everywhere else.

Because those words might just be the thing your kids remember long after they’ve forgotten what was for dinner.