Stop Making a Second Dinner – Here's Why
Making one family meal should be the standard, not the exception.
Why It Matters
Refusing to prepare a second meal isn’t about being unkind—it’s about teaching your kids autonomy over their food choices while helping them develop a healthy relationship with meals that aren't tailored to their every whim.
Let's Get Real
Making one meal for the family should be the standard, not the exception. When you start catering to every food preference your kids express, it reinforces picky eating and places you in a cycle of constant demands. There’s a solution: stop making second dinners. Here’s why, and how, to create a balanced approach that respects your kids' preferences without feeding into picky eating.
Embrace the Division of Responsibility
The Satter Division of Responsibility (DOR) framework is a guiding approach that encourages healthy, competent eating habits. By following DOR, parents set the foundation for lifelong positive eating patterns. This approach outlines clear roles: parents decide the what, when, and where of meals and snacks, while children determine how much and whether they eat from what is provided.
The Division of Responsibility grows with your child, from infancy through adolescence:
Infancy: When feeding your infant, you decide whether they are breast- or formula-fed. Your child is responsible for everything else, including how much, how fast, and how frequently they eat.
Solid Food Introduction: As your baby begins transitioning to solids, your role includes offering nutritious options suited to their developmental readiness. They still control how much they eat, and whether they want to try the new foods you introduce.
Toddlers through Adolescents: As children grow, your role is to provide structure—determining what food is served, when, and where it is offered. Your child continues to be responsible for how much they consume and whether they eat what is served.
The DOR framework also alleviates some common feeding stresses for parents. Knowing that you’ve provided nutritious options without having to coax or cater enables a more positive, less stressful atmosphere at mealtimes.
Benefits for Kids and Parents
- Fosters Trust: Kids learn that you trust them to decide what and how much they eat, empowering them to listen to their bodies.
- Builds Self-Understanding: Children become confident in knowing what feels right for their bodies and knowing when they are hungry and when they aren't.
- Promotes Independence: The ability to make food choices helps kids develop autonomy that supports long-term healthy eating.
Considerate, Not Catering: Strategies for Balance
While creating a single meal might sound rigid, there are ways to consider your kids’ needs without giving in to their every request. Here’s how:
1. Include a "Safe" Food
At every meal, provide at least one "safe" food—something familiar that your child will likely eat. This doesn't have to be their favorite food (I am not giving you permission to serve chicken nuggets at every meal), but it should be one that they have seen before and will eat willingly. Having "safe" foods available - rather than only offering new foods - ensures that your kids feel comfortable coming to the table (literally and figuratively) and they will be more open to trying new foods without the fear of going hungry.
"Safe" foods will vary by family (and maybe even by child, which can make things difficult). If safe foods don't make for easy meal planning, rather than build an entire meal around that one food simply serve it as a side.
2. Offer a Consistent Alternative
Establish one backup option if they don’t want what’s served, but avoid making it something highly preferred. For instance, one parent offered cottage cheese as an alternative—not a favorite, but available. This sets boundaries and provides a choice without creating the expectation of a customized menu.
Again, what this consistent alternative is will vary by family. For one of my colleagues it was cottage cheese. In our house, it's a PB&J or grilled cheese. Here's the caveat: our kids (now 11, 13, and 15) have to make it themselves. I've already made one dinner, I'm not making a second.
3. Involve Them in Meal Planning
Get your kid's (or kids') input on meal ideas. This inclusion teaches them to respect what’s served and feel invested in family meals. Ask for their opinion about meal ideas, encourage them to come shopping, look through recipes together. Engaging them in this way - and following through with their suggestions - shows them that you value their opinion. What's even better is if they plan for things that you don't particularly love. This gives you a chance to model how to appreciate foods outside of personal preferences. (Don't forget to ask for their opinion on these meals too, not just the ones you choose and make!)
4. Invite Them into Meal Prep
When possible, include your kids in meal preparation. When they’re part of the cooking process, they’re often more willing to taste what they’ve helped create, fostering curiosity and willingness to explore different foods.
What does this look like? So many options!
When kids are young, they can wash vegetables or spin lettuce or help stirring ingredients (especially those that aren't over a hot stove). Older kids can get involved in chopping, measuring, and assembling - or simply reading instructions to you! All of these actions help your kids gain a sense of ownership and pride in the meal, which also has the added bonus of making them more likely to eat it.
5. Deconstruct Complex Meals
Serving meals in customizable parts allows each family member to build a plate that suits them. For example, taco night can involve individual ingredients laid out for easy assembly, allowing kids to pick their favorites within the framework of one meal.
6. Create Customizable Meals
Meals like grain bowls allow each person to customize while keeping everyone at the same table. Offer a variety of roasted vegetables, proteins, grains, and garnishes so kids can explore new flavors while having some control over their choices.
Pasta dishes, build your own salads (even dessert bars!) are easy ways to provide a mix of textures and flavors. These also provide ways to introduce a mix of familiar and new foods in a safe environment.
Set Boundaries, Not Demands
Establishing these routines doesn’t mean endless battles or strict food rules. It’s about creating a mealtime environment where your children feel comfortable and know they’re heard without being catered to. Through thoughtful approaches, you set the stage for a healthier, more balanced relationship with food that won’t have you scrambling to prepare two dinners.
Hungry for more?
Here I talk about how to help your kids practice tasting new foods and here are some simple tips to increase diversity in your family's diet.